A mother ages into illness, a father suffers from a sudden disability, and you’re the only one who can house your loved ones through their waning health. It’s often said that becoming a caretaker is one of the most fulfilling gifts life can give you, and that can in many ways be true. However, it’s an unfair sentiment when it overrides how much of burden it can equally be. And it’s especially unfair when those very caretaker roles disproportionately fall onto Black women.

In the United States, 61 percent of informal caregivers are women, a role typically inherited by eldest daughters or only children. The percentage of those women being Black is even higher, highlighting a sobering reality many Black women face: caregiving for those with complex needs while also potentially caring for children, maintaining careers, and navigating systemic disadvantages. Resources like respite care, paid leave, and financial support are ultimately much more accessible to white women.

Among the over 50 million informal caregivers in the country, a study by the National Library of Medicine found that Black female caregivers provided significantly higher levels of care than white female or male caregivers. In fact, on average, Black caregivers spent about 28.5 more hours per month caregiving than white caregivers. This, above all else, is indicative of Black women having less resources to allocate help. They’re doing more themselves, and are therefore having to learn the ins and outs of complex diseases while still keeping their own lives in motion.

Because of this, Black women are more likely to face higher intensity caregiving demands, including navigating medical tasks, demanding hours, and caring for complex needs, than white women. This leaves Black women with greater emotional, physical, and financial strain. They’re typically unpaid for informal caregiving, aren’t offered much help or tools like therapy, and beyond all else, feel isolated and alone.

Being a Caretaker

Being a caregiver can can include raising kids, supporting elders, and holding your community together. You may be a caretaker without even realizing it, simply because it’s a sacrifice other’s have always expected. Here are nine imperative rules to follow when navigating caretaking as a Black woman so that you don’t lose yourself in the process of being everything to someone else.

  • End the “Strong Black Woman” Trope: Due to societal expectations, Black women suppress their needs and operate at full capacity for everyone else. You deserve support, rest, and not having to do all the hard things alone. Relinquish any guilt around asking for help.
  • Build a Trustworthy Community of Support: In every lifetime, community is imperative. You don’t need a massive village. A reliable group of 3-4 loved ones who can step up and help out is crucial.
  • Set Boundaries Without Guilt: Even when you’re drowning in your role as a caretaker, people can somehow still ask more of you. Many Black women struggle with saying no. It’s often because of expectations. If your plate is full, set those firm boundaries and let them know what your capacity is. 
  • Prioritize Your Own Health, Too: Many Black women go under-diagnosed because they are more likely to delay medical care due to too many responsibilities or simply living with pain. However, your health is the foundation of everything else. Take care of yourself, book your appointments, and put your oxygen mask on, first.
  • Create Small Daily Rituals: While you may not have the luxury of living every second in self-devotion, micro-rest regulates the nervous system and helps maintain emotional resilience. Go on walks, take journaling and breath-work breaks, burn incense or light a candle before bed. Little offerings to your peace will stack into a greater sense of grounding.
  • Speak Up: Black women typically care for Black loved ones. The medical system often overlooks these family members. Keep a notebook of symptoms, questions, and concerns for both you and your care recipient. Don’t be afraid to say “I need this explained clearly” or “I need a second opinion.”Medical advocacy helps reduce stress around the overwhelming responsibility of managing someone’s well-being.
  • Rest Is a Non-negotiable: It can often feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day. That doesn’t mean you don’t have wiggle room to set aside time for some extra sleep. Schedule uninterrupted “you” time and allow yourself to take guilt-free naps.
  • Find a Black Therapist or Group Support: Therapy isn’t always accessible, but if it is, a Black therapist in particular who understands the cultural implications of caregiving can be transformative.
  • Give Yourself Permission to Feel Everything: Caregiving can bring a kaleidoscope of emotions, including love, grief, resentment, pride, exhaustion, gratitude, and frustration, sometimes all in one day. Allow yourself to indulge in the full range of your emotions without judgment.

Caregiving is a commitment that can feel invisible. You’re unpaid, undervalued, and under-supported socially, economically, and policy-wise. That’s why it’s up to you to recognize when your cup is coming on empty and refilling it with intention. There may be guilt that creeps in every time you’re presented with an opportunity to choose yourself. It’s imperative that you feel it, and do it anyway.

A Caregiver’s Real Experience

With that, 21Ninety connected with Krystal Franklin, a Black creative who unexpectedly found herself in a caretaker position. She shares deeper insight into nurturing yourself rather than losing yourself in a caretaking role.

21N: How did you find yourself in a caretaker position?

KF: After losing my job in 2023, I was forced to leave Los Angeles and move back home to Dallas. I left my dream city November 30, 2024. It was supposed to be a bit of a hard reset and maybe even a pivot from the work I’ve done in Entertainment the last 15 years. The complete opposite happened. On December 1st, less than 24 hours after I landed, my loved one was randomly diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. And I say randomly because there were no signs at all. We went to the ER only because of excruciating back and hip pain that had severely affected mobility. Two hours later the scans showed double M, or blood cancer, present. We wouldn’t leave the hospital again until January 2025.

What is something commonly misunderstood about caretaking?

KF: The most common misconception about caretaking is that it’s always an honor or joy to take care of a loved one. It’s been 370 days and I have yet to arrive at that feeling and couldn’t relate to those with such an incredibly sunny dispositions about their new role. It is a burden. It is hard. It is lonely. Especially when there is an open wound with the person you’re caring for. And if you’re an only child? The help is practically non-existent. 

How do you still make room to pour into yourself while serving as a caretaker for something else?

KF: If it’s one thing I’m most proud of is my commitment to my hobbies. I call that deep commitment, Other Than Drinks. It’s a dedicated space online I created three years ago to document my curiosities and to mitigate my work becoming my identity. I desperately needed the separation then and it’s even more valuable and necessary in this role now. At least twice a month I see a play, take a class (I’ve done archery, rug making, tap dance, and everything else in between), play mini golf, take in a musical — literally anything other than drinks. It’s a non negotiable for me. And yes, the natural feeling of guilt does creep in at times. I give myself permission to feel it and leave the house anyway.

What has being a caretaker taught you about yourself?

KF: I don’t know that it has taught me anything and moreso affirmed parts of myself that I might have downplayed or forgotten about. I am fiercely organized (an underrated trait when dealing with insurance companies, FMLA, short/long term disability, etc), incredibly committed to being knowledgeable about the disease I’m in part responsible for managing, and I’m a staunch advocate (I might’ve almost been arrested at one hospital because, don’t play with me). And as a newly single parent of a 67 year old Boomer, it has also underscored an opinion about parenting I’ve always had — I don’t want children enough to do it alone. Because in this role, I am absolutely somebody’s mama.

What is a piece of advice you’d give to anyone in your position?

KF: I’d actually like to take this time to offer advice to those who are on the outside looking in. Please do not offer help if you have no intention on following through. Instead of asking our exhausted and overworked brains to “let you know if we need anything,” a better solution would be to send a list of things you’re able to do and allow the caregiver to pick from the items you’ve volunteered. To my folks who are in this very unfortunate fight — God honors your sacrifice and He hears every single deep sigh. It is going to be gut wrenchingly hard to hold on, but it is imperative. This is not the sum total of your life and your dreams and desires deserve to be nurtured, even if they must take a backseat in the name of caregiving. Don’t you dare give up on yourself. 

As a Black woman, do you find yourself less resourced or over-tasked when it comes to caretaking?

KF: Hell f—ing yeah. And I’m not mincing not one of those words. I have carried this load all by myself. I’m talking weekly appointments across town, relocating to a new city four hours away for an entire month, the general ailments from the diagnosis, etc., etc. And if we’re talking resources, while there are support groups, the financial burden is heavy enough to make you not want to talk through nothing with no one. It is incredibly important for every single human being on the planet that has benefits through a company to take a look at their Employee Assistance Program. This breaks down the benefits covered and offered to the employee, but also to the caregiver. I’ve been able to take advantage of therapy at no cost because of this. But it isn’t everyone’s reality. Even with access to free therapy I could still benefit from so much more help.